a place to leave all my deep feelings and thoughts
2006/2/8
@ 06:12 AM (72 months, 19 days ago)
I know that I have had so much pain the last few months. I live daily with a man that I adore yet he lives daily with me a woman he could really care less about, or he really hates, one of the 2 I am not sure which. Either i am ignored to the point I feel invisable to him but when he is not ignoring me he is so mean and cruel. It's as if he thinks he can punish me by with holding love and attention but if that doesn't work he will make sure I get abused. He talks to me in a tone that sounds like hate in the truest form. The other day I lost it. I reminded him I had to go somewhere and he gritted his teeth and said to me in this evil and harsh tone, 'I fuckin know already and I'll be back' and I LOST IT! I lost it in a way I am ashamed of. i started to act like a crazy person, I was throwing anything I could get my hands on and i was screaming at the top of my lungs. i just told him I am human and although I am trying hard to be a good person, I don't think any human should have to endure the shit he throws my way EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE! He should, just because I am the mother of his children, treat me with respect. Forget kindness and love, which he gives to strangers, but at the very least I should be treated like a human. Forget that I have been his partner, his lover, his friend, his support for the last 10 years. He is in a very dark place, I know this and I am trying to meet the demands expected of me as his partner in life. I am trying hard not to run out on him in his time of sickness and weakness but I am only human and really I deserve better than the fucking crumbs he throws me. I am tired if having to do everything by myself. He won't even bath his children, he is home all day just like me and has no physical problems to prevent him from washing a dish or pushing a vacume but because his mental state has been one of darkness i have been holding everything togeher and frankly I can't do this alone. It is when I stp trying which he did months ago, it all falls apart and we have nothing. I am not going to continue to be the glue in this family alone. A person needs nutrients to survive and love is an important nutrient, and I am love deficient. Can't take another minute of it and have to get the fuck out if he can't change!!! He doesn't deserve my loyalty and I deserve better. My children deserve better. I even sold my car and put my education on hold to save our house from being forclosed on because he put us in financial ruin smoking all our funds up in crack, now he needs to forgive my past pain I caused him as I have forgiven him and realize I took one for the team. Now I don't have a car to leave if I want to. I mean come on!! I have 3 years 5 months clean let the shit go after all he only has a few weeks clean and I forgive his most recent shit which includes but is not limited to cheating on me with street crack whores he picks up and takes to motels for a week at a time while I stay home and care for his children who cry for him the entire time he's gone. Now if I can forgive 2 weeks ago he must let go of 3 years ago!!! I have done things to him in my past, true but none worse thanwhat he is doing in our present. God says we are without sin, they are erased, if God erases your sins then people have no right to hold on to them for years and years or better yet forever and ever, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself not the person you ar forgiving!!!
2006/1/25
@ 02:00 PM (73 months, 3 days ago)
I have to wonder about myself sometimes. I honestly believe that I am way to self sacrificing. Today I sold my car in order to help Walt make his house payment. If I did not it would have gone into forecloser. I now must depend on him to get around. We have to share his car and we all know living in a one car family is very difficult. I know he will buy me a new car once he gets his settlement. I just hop I did the right thing. I often think I have become his number one enabler. I swore as an recovering addict I would never become anyones enabler. I know he has to suffer some consequences for getting high but losing the house would have hurt me and the girls also. After all we live here. I wonder though......would he have done the same for me???? Doubtful!!!!! I know that this is more me as the giver and he as the taker and no I am not happy living with such a selfish self serving man. I see him think about himself even before his own daughters. It pisses me off to no end that he will feed himself and tell our 2 year old to wait til he is done eating then he will get her something to eat. Come ON!!!! Every parent knows you feed your kid first
2006/1/15
@ 10:46 AM (73 months, 13 days ago)
I struggle daily with the chioces of this relationship. it is sad really. 10 years, 2 beautiful daughters, the love of my life and we are falling apart right in front of my eyes. I still adore him but I am not happy. He is cold and cruel towards me. He talks to me like I'm trash, he pays no attention to me at all, if I am in the same room with him he doesn't speak unless he has to. he only wants me here because of our girls, I know this. I am the one who has remained clean and sober while he has been using drugs the entire time. I am lonely and I am sad. I want him to love me bacl but he doesn't. I know he hates everything about me because if I say anything he jumps down my throat. I have not left yet because of my kids. This would devestae them. They want to have a mommy and daddy together. I wonder what God would want me to do. I struggle with morals, would it be wrong to give up onthis? Would it be selfish to pack up the girls and leave? i KNOW i CAN NOT CONTINUE TO LIVE WHERE I AM IGNORED EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE BY A MAN I LOVE AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR. the pain has become to great. I can't even talk to him and I'll be honest, I do not like him very mucch. He is selfish and doesn't even enjoy being with our girls. He is miserable with himself because he refuses to stop smoking crack so he blames this relationship for his unhappiness, I am not sure what the right thing to do but my heart says get the fuck out of here NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006/1/12
@ 06:47 AM (73 months, 16 days ago)
What am I to do? Although I have good things going on for myself such as preparing to start college to be a drug treatment counsler, I also have so much pain and saddness. Plus anger must be in there somewhere to thanks to the in laws! Walter still is using drugs. It was not enough to have over dosed 4 times and died all 4 times, it was not enough that crack sent him into such a rage that he beat me badly for the first time in 10 years, it was no even enough to have spent christmas in jail, missing his childrens holiday and having a big law suit almost ruined because of drug use. He still went out sunday after a day at church and smoked crack yet again. He was only gone 2 days instead of 7 this time and he only spent $600 instead of $3000 only because I went online with the bank card and spent it all before he could knowing i could return my stuff and get the money back. You can't get money back from crack and hoes. This plus 2 days after Thanksgiving was a drug binge that sent him to jail. Prior to thanksgiving he had 45 days clean and my baby had just started to trust him again. She had just stopped following him to the door crying every time he left, hell I just started to relax when he was going out also. I didn't even take the bank card any more from him when he was going out. Put all this on top of the fact that I am a recovering addict myself with over 3 years clean, and up until Thanksgivings relapse we were happy, getting along so well, really we fell in love all over again the last 2 years. The first 8 years were hard because we both were getting high on and off, but I never stopped loving him. Well he comes home from jail and a week later he tells me that he really doesn't want to be with me any more. He doesn't want to be in a relationship nor can he handel being with his kids full time either. the entire family thing is just to much he needs time to focous on staying clean! Agaon, our worlds ripped out from under us. So I start to make plans to move out because the house is his. I am devestated, my kids are devestated. I am in so much pain to think that it is really over after 10 years, that our dream to give our kids the family we never had was gone! I cried myself to sleep literally for 5 days. Then after he goes out to get high, he comes in high on herionat 3 a.m, wakes me up to tell me that he's sorry and he wants to make it work. That our kids deserve a chance to have us together and that he does love me and I am a good woman who treats him good. He said he knows we all love him so much. Now I knew not to trust a word of it because he was high. He then slept for 2 days and is now back to he doesn't want to be with me. This is insaine!!! Who the hell does this man think he is? On top of all this his sister and mother who have been supportive the past 2 years decide they are angry with me because I want to leave him. His sister speaks for both while she sends me one e-mail after another throwing up my past in my face left and right. She has said some really mean things that were not true and evil. She has been relentless with her need to bring up my old behaviors when I was still on drugs. Keeping in mind we all did some really mean and hurtful things to each other because at one point we were in a serious custody battle. Walt was gtting high the entire time, even getting arrested and found guilty of a drug charge, the entire time his family was covering for him during the custody battle. this woman has called protective services on me, had my kids removed from my care, taking me over 6 months getting them back(it took that long to get court dates) I have been put through hell by these people but when I got clean I let go of all the anger and resentments in order for my children to have contact with them. I forgave them and even made amends for my part in there pain. I had to as part of my recovery. I have made many changes that were positive and through all this shit with Walter I have held it together. I was the only parent showing up for our kids. Now we all are victims here. We all are suffering from her brothers drug addiction and choice not to be a part of this family, I have done nothing to her at all. Yet she is mad at me and instead of dealing with the current issues I have this bitch bringing up past hurts that I really don't want to think about. I have enough to worry about today without going over all that shit. I am really to the point of saying fuck it to the entire clan, as I did before when 12 days after we lost everything in a fire, which was 2 days befor xmas 2003, he, his mother and his siter got physically, verbally and motionally abusive to the point where I ended up on the streets with an 8 month old a 5 year old and 3 shopping bags. I then pulled it together and I had no contact with them for 8 months. We had court dates pending when I was the big person and I contacted Walt and then I contacted them when he again got high and failed to pick our daughter up in order to go with his sister to Six Flags. I went over there even though the anger and the fight was fresh to me. I was the one who reached out and said to them we must put this shit aside for the kids. Since then I have been very fair allowing them to take my kids whenever they want to. I keep them informed on allaspects of there lives including school, counseling and other activities. I do not have to be so accomadating, but I am out of the kindness of my heart. Now I am at the point where I say fuck them all and shut them out again. First of all when a person is abusive to a child's mother in front of the child, that is abuse towards the child also, plus my 7 year old who has seen her behavior is now angry with her aunt for treating her mother this way. She already fears her father because of the way he is with his anger towards me and what his family is doing is causing this painful situation to be much worse. I feel like I would have less shit to deal with if I just shut the door on these people until they can start behaving respectfully and kind towards me again. This entire 2 years feels like a lie to me. they were pretending to have gotten over the past just to throw it up now at a weak and sad moment. None of them are thinking about my kids that is for sure. If they were they would try to make things easier instead of adding fuel to an already burning inferno! Sometimes I think me and my kids would be better off on a deserted island somewhere or if we could pick our family that would be cool to.
2005/12/10
@ 09:14 AM (74 months, 19 days ago)
As I sit here waiting for Walt to come home from jail I wonder what he is going to be like once he's home. He is acting like an ass hole now blame is all mine why he is in there. He refuses to admit that his drug addiction is the sole purpose for is incarceration. If he would not have went out and got high on Friday I would not have been in that part of town and he would not have beat me. He had never in 10 years hit me but after hitting on a crack pipe he beat me bad. I am tired of letting him do this to me and my kids. My baby waits by the door screaming "daddy" and my 7 year old is now learning all about resentment. Great emotion to teach your child. I have to go out of here because his drug use will only lead me back to my drug addiction. And now he calls 50 times a day collect to tell me how this is all my fault and he's angry, guess what if he won't face his addiction then I can't help him anyway. And if I were to stick around for this that would make me just as bad of a parent that he is. I cannot allow him to continue to disappear for a week and pop back in like he did nothing wrong, what he does is child abuse and if I allow it I am a party to it. I know what must be done!
2005/12/3
@ 09:15 AM (74 months, 26 days ago)
I just can't believe that after getting 90 days clean and sober my man decides to go out and get high the day after Thanksgiving. Heres the thing, I knew he was up to no good that is why I took his bank card. Well of corse he came upstairs and talked me into trusting him. I gave it back, knowing in the back of my mind if he didn't come home within a certain time I had the card numbers and I was GOING SHOPPING ONLINE! And that is what I did. About an hour after he left I called his friend who he goes to his NA metings with and found out Walt called him and said he was to tired to go to the meeting. Which only proves he planned this binge long before going out. So We had just gotten a $4000 settlement and we spent earlier about $1500 on xmas shopping online together, well I spent every penny we had in there before he could take us broke buying crack and picking up whores. He only took out $200 and when he went for more money it was GONE! If only I could of seen his face when he went to take out money and could not. He was probobly geeking on crack and thinking I have $3000 in the bank so I will be good for about a week. In the past he has stayed gone for 7 to 12 days. My children cry for him every night and they are not just a little tears they cry hysterically. My 2 year old stands at the door crying I miss him mommy! My 7 year old lives in fear of his death because he has overdosed 5 times and was in ICU for 2 weeks once because of drugs. So as the days pass my anger turns to rage watching what he is doing so selfishly to my kids. So on Sunday I went to a friends house in order to give her a hot shot when he pulls up in the BMW he had lent to drug dealers all night long and gives me the finger. Well I chase him down in my car and when he stops he walks over to my car where I punch him dead in his face, it was then I got beat like a man. Never has he ever beaten me. He had just finished smoking crack, I found out later he was smoking crack for 10 minutes while watching me give my friend a hot shot and he was up for 3 days which is in no way an excuse for the way he beat me. About 15 people saw him and I and they called the police. The funny thing is I did not call nor did I want them involved but he got so paranoid from the crack that I was going to call 911 that he called and when the police went to him they arrested him based on what the wittnesses said. Now he sits in jail with no bail and he is in such denial that he can't face he is in jail because of his drug use. He blames me totally. Its all my fault. If he had not gotten high Friday then he would have never been in this situation. But no the junkie that he is has to blame me for all his troubles. He keeps saying that this is hurting
2005/11/2
@ 01:54 PM (75 months, 27 days ago)
I lost my Granny this week and it was so hard. Granny was more of a mother to me than my mother in so many ways, on top of that she was also very close to my 7 year old who never had to face the pain of death before. Needless to say, this was very difficult for her. She cried a lot. I tried ti keep myself together for her bit to be honest the pain I felt came out. Granny and I spent last week talking. She must of known this illness was going to be her last because she gave many orders. I had a chance to tell her all I needed to so I do not have any regrets. I am sad that I could not honor her last and final wish. She wished that we all could get along and love and forgive each other. Myu family being disfunction junction could not even at her death bed put aside all the hate and anger. My Aunt and her daughter have not spoken to each other in 2 years and she had not even seen her new granddaughter. My brother who has been permitted to dictate every family function had the nerve to ask my mother to find out when I would not be at the hospital so he could visit. I was so angry that he was so selfish, my mother was preparing for the death of her mother and he has the balls to bring up this subject. How dare he? He is the one who beat me, he is the one who lied about beating me so my mother would bail him out of jail. He has stuck to this lie and his shame and guilt over this has caused him not to be able to face me. His anger and resentment is really only hurting him because I do not lose sleep over this at all. In fact I have forgiven him, the anger I have now comes from his selfish behavior and his refusal to honor Granny's final wish. This family sucks and I ashamed to be part of this group of people who just can't get it together. I was made to feel like I did not belong nor welcomed and was forced to morn my grandmother in a room full of people that although have the same blood running through them were strangers, none of which do I feel safe enough to show the real me. I will pray for them, I will let this go now!
2005/10/20
@ 03:35 PM (76 months, 10 days ago)
I have not written in a very long time therfore I had not viewed my comments either. I was touched by you. The fact that anyone wants to read my blog is strange to me. The fact that anyone relates to my insanity is huge for me. I think of myself as crazy and this is the place its ok to be that way. I am so glad that someone relates to me. I would like to chat. I have my e-mail listed on my account info if you ever want to contact me. I am very curious about the person who calims to get it! feel free any time. I am looking for your blog but can't find it can you help?
@ 03:15 PM (76 months, 10 days ago)
I DID A DUMB THING! It really is my own fault I got caught. You see I live with a man that has a drug problem, although he is sober today and for almost 3 months. Well because he use to go on cocaine binges that lasted between 7 and 12 days costing us $11,000.00 in August alone I was sneeky. I found out his bank information out, his PIN numbers and his codes for on line and phone banking and I have kept this information in case he decides to use again I can see to it he doesn't ruin all of our finances, its not just him he has to worry about. We have 2 kids and a house payment and 2 car payments. Well he knows I use it for shopping but he had no idea I had the PIN. I was at a stuoid Royal Farm Store and tried to use the credit side of the bank card but because my name is differant than the one on the card they would not let me use the credit side, so I could prove something to the girl who worked there, (because I am so stuborn) I used the ATM side and he noticed that it was cash not charge I used. Now he knows I know the PIN and I may have to work extra hard to get the new pin. Plus I guess I need to let go a bit and start to trust him again. I am afraid because everytime I do he gets high on me. I know this disease because I am also a recovering addict.
2005/10/2
@ 02:21 PM (76 months, 28 days ago)
i AM LOOKING FOR A JOB AND i AM HAVING A HARD TIME! i AM LOOKING FOR A PART TIME POSITION IN THE OFFICE ASSISTANT OR OFFICE MANAGEMENT AREAS BUT NOONE WANTS PART TIMERS AND I NEED TO BE PART TIME BECAUSE MY HUBBY IS GOING BACK TO SCHOOL AND HE WAS NO HELP WITH OUR HOUSE WHEN HE WAS HOME ALL DAY DUE TO INJURY, SO I KNOW IF HE IS IN SCHOOL AND I WORK FULL TIME HE WON'T DO A DAMN THING! WE ARE ALSO SEARCHING TO ADOPT A VERY SMALL DOG THAT WAS DISPLACED BY kATRINA OR RITA! IF ANYONE OUT THERE READS THIS AND CAN HELP ME WITH EITHER CONTACT ME THROUGH MY BLOG! THANK YOU ALL!
